Today's Lucky Numbers

15

2

98

304

22 

Rejected Forms Of Wrapping Christmas Presents For My Friends And Relatives, And The Respective Organizations That Disallowed Them

inside flaming steel cage coated in oil (City of Bettendorf)

bacon-wrapped (Scott County Health Department)

encased in a beehive (State of Iowa Department of Agriculture)

boxed in a Cuban cigar humidor (United States Department of State)

surrounded by armed Sudanese pre-teens (United Nations)

Revised BCS Rankings And Bowl Matchups (Adjusted For Fox Televsion)

Tostitos and Ford Present The 2007 Burger King National Championship Product Bowl Presented By Reebok, Energizer Batteries, and Chase
#1 Ohio State vs. #2 USC Featuring Famous Alumni O.J. Simpson

The Tupperware Resealable Bowl Presented By myspace.com
#1 Ohio State (practice squad) vs. #3 Michigan

The FedEx Parcel-Containing Bowl (round-robin format)
#4 Florida vs. n/a Florida State
n/a Florida State vs. n/a Miami
n/a Miami vs. #4 Florida

The Texas Bowl Of Fritos And Dr. Pepper
#22 Texas vs. n/a Dallas Cowboys

The Rust-Oleum Carnation Bowl Brought To You By Pizza Hut 5-For-$5
#8 Notre Dame vs. TBA

The Idaho Potato Council Bowl (webcast only)
#9 Boise State vs. n/a Utah (2004 team)

 

Other Bans Enacted By The New York City Board of Health And The Respective Diseases That Will Be Prevented

yelling (Reinke's edema, laryngitis)

jawbreaker consumption (mandibular fracture, dental caries, asphyxiation)

Christmas tree and menorah illumination (erythema, immolation)

axe-wielding (chronic self-amputation, apotemnophilia, dismemberment syndrome)

Top Ten Movies Of 2006

10. The Boatswain's Lament

9. Out To Stud

8. The Iraqi Kebab Vendor

7. Monos Enojados

6. Buckskin 'n The Lassooer

5. Team Metallic 2

4. Hosers

3. La tristesse mélancolique de la vie urbaine (The Blahs)

2. The Chapters Of The Elf-Dragon Saga, Section IV-B: The Chieftain Of The Magick-Cloak

1. Tiny (restored director's cut)

Other Beer Labels Rejected By The State Of Maine

Kris Kringle's All-Nude Pale Ale

Rudolph's Tobacco Lager

Mrs. Claus' Handgun Porter

Jack Frost Drives Without Wearing A Seat Belt Pilsner

Rumored, Yet Unlikely, Trade Offers For Manny Ramirez

Chicago Cubs
Mark Prior, one thousand baseballs, and a date with Morganna, The Kissing Bandit

New York Knicks
Malik Rose, Kelvin Cato, and first round draft picks in 2008 and 2009

Orlando Griffins Rugby Football Club
Chadwick Edmondson and a case of Bud Light

General Electric
Michael Neal and The Mummy

Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (FARC)
600 kilos of cocaine and negotiating rights with Rojas Valderama

Fun Mongolian Barbecue Dish Or Greg Kihn Album?

1. Khan's Feast
2. Kihnspiracy
3. Khonkher Your Khraving
4. Kihntinued
5. Dunkhin Hoisin
6. Kihntagious
7. Hordes Of Flavor
8. Khung Pow Chikhin
9. Next Of Kihn
10. Khan You Handle The Khurry?

Mongolian Barbecue Dish: 1, 3, 5, 7, 8, 10
Greg Kihn Album: 2, 4, 6, 9

Today's Specials

SOUPS
glazed carrot with seventeen bean soup - nine
vegetarian beef and chicken stew - seven

APPETIZERS
reduced cucumber slices with raspberry-truffle oil - eleven
beef marrow on crisped pork skin with semi-glace caramelization - seventeen

MAINS
free-range organic rabbit with duck sauce and goat shavings - forty-two
freshly-caught formerly live Northwest Atlantic lobster with shallot cakes and warmed nut-infused butter - fifty
vegetarian durum rositi with vodka cream tomatillo tomato creme fraiche gin sauce - twenty-seven

SEASONAL LOCAL VEGETABLES
brick oven-fired potatoes with cow-milk essence - three

ENDINGS
ChokLot Xplosion Event!TM - sixteen
turbinado dough circle - eight

!!Wednesday's Winners!! *****HOT STOCK PICKS*****

PIK $23.39 No short selling here!  This is a surefire growth stock with a trend
 line ceiling in the $29 to $32 range.  Pickles 'N More is one of New England's top 21 pickle retailers.  

GJJ $1.09 Look out below!  Dump and grab this sinking beast and rake 
home the moolah.  Strong indicators indicate strongly that a possible 
takeover or not of this mercurial systems integrator may or may not
happen in the next 33 days. Guardiant Judicators CEO Sherman Baxley said to our mole, 'We remain focused on the initiatives set forth.'

ATY $4.87 Atlanta Totality looks sweet after the announced merger with UpsideSemiCondUctoR (USC ++$44).  Make a play for the rolling average
but don't let the P+L discolor your long-line. Take it and be.  You heard it here first.

BOD Y8.99 Japanese synergy playas Tokohashi Nippon Horizon makes
YTT HO and LPQ look like FVB.  Get your suit pressed now!  It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

OKL $332.98 Why not?  Oklahoman Treatment, Inc. takes the cake this week.  
Sometimes good publicity is better than a hot tip.  Even your grandmother
can smell the potential for a selling reevaluation and the sure-to-be boffo-tastic
pilot program.  Make way for the bears on unicycles -- but be wary of the
AAB+ junkers with teeth whitening spa memberships.

Some Worn Out Cat-Related Puns

"Purr"-fect!

"Paws"-itively! 

I'm feeling just "feline"!

What a "cat"-astrophe!

Please stop licking yourself.

Top Selling Battery Sizes As Determined By The Number Of Each Found In Junk Drawer

1. AAA
2. AA
3. 9-volt
4. C
5. D
6. disc-shaped
7. slightly larger disc-shaped
8. heavy rectangular for lost cell phone

Other Means By Which The Human Body May Absorb Polonium-210 As Disscussed In The Russian Government-Produced Brochure, 'Polonium-210 и Вы'

'Many food products of the American manufacture contain quantities of trace Polonium-210 or mad illness of the cow. Eat meat of Yankee at your own risk.'

'Dissidents, as is known, abstain from washing a hand after urination duty.  Frequent contact to this doubtful group can increase your chance on exposure. '

'Yushchenko sleeps with the Satan.'

'Absorption of radiation Po-210 will follow from use of computer monitors to borrow in surfing the Internet and especially from websites which doubt concerning force of Mother Russia.'

'Travel to the Great Britain need to be avoided, as Englishmen as it is usually known, clean pipes of tobacco with Polonium-210. '

'Following the great Vladimir Putin's instructions, you and your children will long live, Polonium-free life. '

Jaw-Dropping 'Black Friday' Deals Offered By Retailers (Bulk Meats Division)

free half ton of frozen turkey breast with purchase of 10 tons of bacon*
Harv's Commercial Meats, Little Rock
*5am-9am only

64oz can of potted meat for $10 with any purchase of 30 gallon drum of chicken broth
Brinkman & Sons Meat Distribution, Houston
"While Supplies Last"

75 sides of beef for the price of 40
Greeley Beef Processing, Greeley

30 meat all-you-care-to-eat* 'Round The World' buffet for $6.99 (includes Coke)
French's Country Buffet, Owensboro
*please use a clean plate for return trips

Other Founding Fathers Who Did Not Wish The Eagle To Be Our National Symbol, And Their Respective Birds Of Choice

Thomas Jefferson, auk
James Madison, flying squirrel
George Washington, pterodactyl
John Adams, Toucan Sam
John Hancock, John Hancock

Authors Who Have Learned Valuable Lessons From Their Dog, And The Respective Book Titles

James Patterson with David McManus,  'Trooper: The Dog That Showed Me That Writing About Serial Rapists Leads To Success'

Sophie Kinsella, 'Vera & Me: The Story Of The Dog Small Enough To Fit In My Handbag While I Shop'

Mitch Albom, 'Sparky: The Dead Dog With Whom I Continue To Have Nice Conversations'

Bill O'Reilly, 'The Walter Factor: Just Because I Own A Dog Doesn't Mean I'm A Crazed Member Of An Animal Rights Organization'

Answers To The Semi-Question, 'What About Brian'

I'm not sure how to respond to your statement.

Brian?

He's over there in the corner exchanging meaningful glances with your girfriend.

No, I don't think I get the ABC channel.

Other Legislation Proposed By House Ways & Means Committee Chairman-Elect Charles Rangel

93% income tax to deter congressmen from raising taxes in the future

'Fifty Is Fine' constitutional amendment to prevent Puerto Rico from becoming a state

Incarceration of all males on 18th birthday to lower crime and birth rates in the future

Unemployment payments of $1500 per month to all citizens of Mexico to deter illegal immigration

Changes To Congressional Ethics Rules As Proposed By Recently Elected Democrats

Launch national marketing campaign built around slogan, 'Congress: Now Building Bridges To Somewhere'

Reclassify 527 and 501(c) groups to include ExxonMobil, Wal-Mart, General Motors, and Chevron

Create congressional oversight mascot, 'Buster The Watchdog'

Restrict gift meals from lobbyists to either surf or turf 

A Selection Of Quotes Regarding The Sony PlayStation 3

"I thought about going home to shower first because I haven't showered in three days, but I think I'm just going to get another energy drink, log on and get started."

"The battleground is the living room."

"Anyone with any common sense would know things would get violent."

"We thought about giving a bum food and cigarettes to stand in line for us ."

"One of the patrons resisted. That patron was shot."

Seven Words That May Or May Not Rhyme With 'Quagmire'

1. Vampire
2. Campfire
3. Jack Meyer
4. Schmagmire
5. Anti-quagmire
6. Bag buyer
7. Quonset 

Milton Friedman Quote Or Toby Keith Lyric?

1. Governments never learn, only people learn.
2. All the happiness in the world can’t buy you money.
3. There's no such thing as a free lunch.
4. The glass won't ever be half empty in my optimistic mind.
5. Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
6. Inflation is taxation without legislation.
7. I won't break my back for a million bucks I can't take to my grave.
8. The power to do good is also the power to do harm.
9. One man's opportunism is another man's statesmanship.
10. I'll have a hot tub full of hotties icin' down a 24-pack.

Milton Friedman: 1, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9
Toby Keith: 2, 4, 7, 10

Other PETA-Endorsed Cruelty-Free Changes In The National Basketball Association

• Smoke only 100% certified organic marijuana
• Synthetic leather to be used on seats in 2007 Cadillac Escalades
• Team nicknames changed to Atlanta FauxHawks, Charlotte HepCats, Chicago Synthetic Basketballers, Memphis Memphisians, Milwaukee Buck Owens, Minnesota PointScorers, New Orleans/Oklahoma City Bayooners, and Toronto Pleasantly Competitive Sporting Men
• Hold compensatory handguns-for-tofu exchange

 

Impending Changes To The Department Of Defense Under The Command Of Secretary-Designate Robert M. Gates

• increase budget for The Committee On Euphemisms For ‘Kill’
  
• 
  
• expand Eagle Scout merit badge requirements to include Bomb Defusion, Domestic Eavesdropping, and Advanced Interrogation Technique
  
• 
  
• relieve international tensions with massive Chili’s Grill & Bar expansion in Middle East
  
• 
  
• initiate annual bonfire of shredded documents in center of Pentagon
  
• 
  
• re-arm Nicaraguan Contras, send them to Iraq
  

Other Miracle Baseball Pitches Devised By Ryutaro Himeno and Kazushi Tezuka, Creators of “The Gyroball” As Marketed By The Fox Television Network

The Richlist Knee-Buckler

The Prison Breaker

The Split-Fingered Jack Bauer

The Dixie Whistler

Bart’s Batcracker

The Callous And Insouciant House M.D. Change-Up

The Reverse Slider, Presented By Chevrolet 

Dance Step or Miracle Pitch Thrown By Japanese Baseball Superstar Daisuke Matsuzaka?

1. Kolo
2. Fandango
3. Bon Odori
4. Paso Doble
5. Gyroball
6. Jive
7. Reverse Slider
8. Shuuto
9. Dervish
10. Shimmy

Dance steps: 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 9, 10.
Miracle pitches: 5, 7, 8.

Frankie & Johnny

To say ‘Frankie and Johnny’ is the most ubiquitous song in the long, strange saga of folk music would not be correct, but this was not the case in 1905. A surly, drunken riverman once laid out six bits on a wager that I couldn’t name the song.

“Kind sir, I am certain you mistakenly wish me to say ‘Frankie and Johnny,’ and I will – for nothing will give me greater pleasure than to relieve you of your pittance.”

The riverman cursed and spat and needlessly reminded yours truly that ‘Yesterday’ would not be recorded for another three score years.

A fine anecdote, but I have been retained by this phonograph company to produce illuminating liner notes.

Frankie was Frankie Baxter. Johnny was Allen Britt. The alteration resulted either from the insistence of the Britt clan or the cadential needs of a trio of Tin Pan Alley songsmiths. At this point, I will spare you, dear reader, from the boredom of required phrases such as ‘the oral tradition’ and ‘Carl Sandburg’.

And, due to the strict word limit imposed by my esteemed patron, I will not attempt an untangling of this song, a vulgar knot of truths, half-truths, and genuine untruths, which, in more adequate space, would foolishly spew forth. Nary a soul knows precisely what transpired on that October 1899 night in St. Louis – particularly Messrs. Lombardo and Buscaglione.

Mark Twain, Hannibal, Mo.