Failed Greeting Card Imprints From Hallmark

Scentiments

The Greetster

DeathNotes

Inspir-A-Shuns

A Touch Of The Orient

HDCard

Squirts

Coupons I Have Recently Thrown Away

Zippy Loob
$19.95 oil & lube*
*expires 4/30/2001

Burrito Bob's
Buy One (1) Burrito At Regular Price, Get Second Burrito Free
With Purchase Of Two 32oz Soft Drinks And Grande Cruncho Muncho Nachos
Dine-In Only Tuesday Through Thursday

T.J. Slim's E-Z Tree Trim
Free Estimate!

HyperTech InterAccess
One Free Month Of Dial-Up Internet*
*local access and miscellaneous charges and fees may apply

The Great American Aquarium
DEADLY SHARK ENCOUNTER!
Free children's admission with purchase of one adult admission

Big Pee Wee's Previously Owned Auto Emporium
$1000 off any previously owned car or truck
NO COUPON NEEDED

New Ideas From National New Idea Week

polenta-on-a-stick

eHaircuts.com

Deep Purple reunion tour

Why Can't Everything Have A USB Port?

 

Selected Bob Wills Interjections

"Play it, Leon!"

"Ah-hah!"

"Ahhhh-now."

"Take it away!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Ahh-ohh."

"Ohhhh!"

"Alright."

"Oh-ohhh-ohhhhh!"

Possible Responses To The Telephone Survey Question, 'What Is Your Opinion Of George Washington?'

1. strongly favorable
2. somewhat favorable
3. neither favorable nor unfavorable
4. somewhat unfavorable
5. strongly unfavorable 

V is for Valentine! a poem for my dear

V is for Valentine!
A is for Amour!
L is not for Love because that is too obvious.  L is for Legume.
E is for Exotique!
N is for Newfoundland, as in the new found land of love.
T is for Timely!
I is for Me!
N is for Necessity!
E is still for Exotique!

An Updated List Of Republican Candidates For The President Of The United States

Ted Nugent
Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
Bruce Willis
Barbara Bush
Jerry Fallwell
Hamburglar
Bobby Flay
Charles Nelson Reilly
Millard Fillmore
Donald Trump
Wyatt Earp III
Red Grange
Pope Pius IX
Patty Hearst

Signs That You Are Listening To Time-Life Music's 'Country Romance' Collection or That You Are Having A Heart Attack

• the voice of Ray Price making your heart melt

• Ferlin Husky breaking your heart
  

• the song, the feeling just envelops you
  

• George Jones tugging at your heartstrings

• every song, every artist hits you right between the eyes and in your heart

Other Parenting Skills Demonstrated By Father Who Dresses Nine Year Old Son In 'Save Darfur' T-Shirt

how to cook with organic tofu

how to write letters to CEOs

how to read and enjoy Jorge Luis Borges

how to choose between Patagonia sweaters

Today's Teen Kid News Headlines

Teens Across America Boycott Wood In Effort To Save Trees

Nothing Is More Uncool Than Peer Pressure, Expert Says

Shopping Malls vs. Lifestyle Centers: Katelyn and Brittany Debate

Economy Looks To Teens For Earnest Summer Help

Basketball Superstar LeBron James Was Once A Kid Just Like You

Are You A Cat Person Or A Dog Person?

Now Is The Time To Choose Between Being An Astronaut Or President

Iraqi Teens Have Similar Concerns To Their American Counterparts

Hollister Sweat Pants Shown To Reduce Global Warming, Magazine Says

Curdled Dreams: A Short Story

     "I've never had much use for an acupuncturist," the rich man sneered.  "And you're not a particularly good one."
     Trenton picked up his kit and left the rich man's foyer.  He made a silent vow never to return to this neighboorhood.  
     "Good day," the doorman unenthusiastically told him.  And Trenton fell to his knees and cried in the moonlight.

An Updated List Of Democratic Candidates For The Presidency Of The United States Of America

Mother Jones
Karl Marx
Douglas MacArthur
Rosalyn Carter
Underdog
Friar Tuck
Henry VIII
Deborah Norville
Thomas Jefferson VII
Bruce Springsteen
Erno Rubik
John Steinbeck
Alan Colmes
Steve Jobs
Count Chocula
Chubby Checker
Chelsea Clinton
Lew Zealand
Earl Scheib
P.T. Barnum
Kirk Kerkorian

Selections From The Soft Beverage Industry's Scrap Pile

Coca-Cocoa

Mary Lou Retton Tropical Tango

Rastafarian Root Beer

Coolin' Cucumber Ale

Honest Abe's Emancipation Punch Wine

Ginger Extract D-Lite

Grand Potato

Mr. Wong's Soy Soda

Karl Malone D'Essence
 

Mighty-Fine Expletives

gee-willickers

dagnabbit

flippin'

horse hockey

hellzapoppin

golldurn 

A Handy Reference To The Hip 'Lingo' Of To-Day

skate-surfing
the use of a skateboard on a fluid wave surface, 
or, alternately, the use of a surfboard on a solid surface

webjumper

a person who seeks information on the World Wide Web
(a/k/a 'WWW' or 'www' or 'the Web') via a personal
computer or similar electro-mechanical device

autohandler
the operator of any gasohol-powered vehicle such as
an airport shuttle van or amphibious limousine

Johnny Make-Do
a derisive name for an individual who refrains from
replacing broken or defective materials

harpsichord harpie
an individual, generally female, who becomes faint or
swoons in the presence of a performing harpsichordist

czellulara
an individual, generally female, fixated on the most
recently released mobile wireless car telephone

wax monkey
a primate of the lower order sculpted in paraffin

Your Local Weather Forecast -- On The 9s!

This Evening
A large pressure system moves eastward changing things up a bit.  
Expect a chance of precipitation and the possibility of cloudiness.

Overnight
The temperature will drop significantly about an hour after sunset.  
Otherwise, about the same.

Tomorrow
In the late morning, expect a significant warming trend due to
an increase in sunniness.  Chance of precipitation.

Tomorrow Evening
Increasing darkness and a moving front spell more weather ahead.
 

NFL Playoff Picks, Part Three

Indianapolis (+7) over Chicago [49]
Peyton Manning takes a day off from filming commercials to mow 
down the pistolpackin' Bears.  Despite the score, the game is never 
close, except at the opening kickoff when it is 0-0. 

Today's Ambiguities (Non-Clarified)

amorphous dessert

tangential cornucopia

nebulous fire truck

ambivalent wrench

NFL Playoff Picks, Part Two

Chicago (+7) over New Orleans [49]
The ghost of Mike Ditka looms large over this battle of deep-fry lovin' cities.  In the end, the ghost of Dave Wannstedt outduels the ghost of Jim Mora for undead supremacy.  Spooky, man.  Don't forget your garlic necklace and silver bullet.

New England (+3) over Indianapolis [52]
Will the addition of David Beckham help Indy overcome their choketastic playoff run?  No, because New England has a not-so-secret weapon by the name of PELE.  The Pats win in overtime on a record 105-yard field goal kick by the new guy.

More Groundbreaking Apple Products Announced At MacWorld

The iToaster -- the world's first internet-ready, touch-screen toasting device 

MacGrenade -- a powerful rocket-launched detonation device with Apple's distinctive glossy-white finish

AppleCar - a two-passenger electric vehicle operated with a single button

iMe -- a new consumer electronics concept in which only carefully screened applicants will be allowed the opportunity to purchase unseen Apple products

NFL Playoff Picks

Indianapolis (-10) over Baltimore [43]
Take the points, my friend.  Even your 9 year-old niece knows Peyton Manning.  Of course, I think both teams are nicknamed 'Colts'.

New Orleans (+2) over Philadelphia [39]
The feel-good story continues as America likes nothing more than to see a bunch of battery-throwing, cheesesteak-eating jerks go down.  And, The Saints will use their divine powers.

Chicago (+6) over Seattle [23]
A seahawk?  Beating a bear?  Don't spit out your frappilatte.

San Diego (+980) over vistor [1002]
I can't recall who their opponent is, but it's irrelevant as The Chargers will score a record 900 points -- 800 in the first half.

Other PBS Promises For You, The Viewer

Be more.  Inactive.

Be more.  Seated.

Be more.  Pledgy.

Be more.  Sedentary.

Be more.  Home.

Be more.  Earnest.

Least Performed Gospel Songs (2006)

 Don't Forget Jesus (In The Morning)

(I Can Hear This Song In The Air) The Sound Of People Singing

The Preaching And The Teaching (Of The Lord)

Let Your Pants Get To Kneelin' (And Rejoicin')

Will The Almighty Come Home Today? (Or Will He Pass On By?)

We All Sing And Shout A Whole Lot (In His Name)

(If The Lord Don't Look Upon You With Grace) Then Keep On A-Singing

With My Faith (I Shall Not Smite You)

Seven Little-Used Keys

1.  `
   
2. |
3. }
4. <
5. z
6. ~
7. 8

My Love For You Is Like . . .

. . . a birthday cake with only blue candles.

. . . winning the Boston Marathon and not being terribly thirsty at the end.

. . . freshly baked zucchini bread on a somewhat cool fall morning.

. . . the whiff of Dr. Pepper when pouring into a glass.

. . . plucking the pills of wool from my sweater.

. . . the first inhalation after blowing my nose in the morning.

. . . new batteries in my cordless mouse.

. . . a day without mail from Capital One.

. . . a poem, but a good one, and not too metaphorical. 

Great Regionalist Paintings From My Apartment Complex

Me & My Garden Vegetables

A View From The Patio

Untitled Still Life No. 6

Children In The Neighborhood Park

Charlie The Cat With Yarn

Portrait In Sweatpants

La Guerre

Cozy Time
 

Legislation From the 110th Congress' First 100 Seconds

replaced coffee vending machine with Rancilio espresso machine

to avoid national holidays, moved the Monday lobster menu in commissary to Friday

upgraded in-dash Lincoln Town Car television monitors from LCD to plasma

raised minimum wage to $12.75

cut Congressional staff allowance by 50% in favor of unpaid interns

Best Televsion Programs of 2006 ('Reality' Category)

10. Waiter, There's A Finger In My Soup

9. The Ironically Detached Nightly News Report

8.  Make Me Rich With Money And Prizes!

7.  HBO Presents: Celebrity Expletive

6. Challenge-Off Competitive Contest

5. The Real-Life Concierge Files

4. Forensic Flight Attendant

3. Embedded Water Boy: Gaza

2. Nokia Presents 2.0 Megapixel Cell Phone Camera Scandal Capture

1. Behind The Game Show